What Is Relational Intelligence? How to Build Authentic Connection

Most people have heard of Emotional Intelligence, but not so much about what relational intelligence is and why it matters in everyday relationships. Because we see the effects of unhealthy relationships all around us, I want to share some ways to build, repair, and grow our Relational IQ so that trust is restored to our relationships.

What is Relational Intelligence?

While Emotional Intelligence focuses on identifying and regulating our personal emotions, Relational Intelligence focuses on the interaction and connection between people.

It is the ability to:

• connect with others in an authentic way
• understand others even when we disagree
• navigate the conflict that comes with human interactions
• foster trust and collaboration

So let’s break that down.

We will take it in chunks over the next few weeks but today let’s focus on…

How to connect with others in an authentic way

Be Present

You likely know what it feels like to talk to someone whose attention is elsewhere. Maybe they are scrolling on their phone, checking messages, looking at what’s going on around them, nodding off, staring at a screen, or just staring with a look that tells you their mind is locked on something other than you.

It feels dismissive, doesn’t it? As if they really don’t care enough about what you are saying to pay attention. And the more important the topic is to us, the more magnified the feeling of dismissal.

Curiosity is a big part of being present. When we listen to someone with our full attention, we get curious. We ask questions like:

What was that like for you?
Did that feel scary?
How has that changed the way you do things?
Can you tell me more, please?

Being present is about focusing our attention on the other person and what they are saying, how they are saying it (because then we better understand how they feel about what they are saying), and being curious enough to ask about what they are not saying.

Being present is NOT about us voicing our opinions, trying to fix things, or jumping in with “Yeah! I know what that’s like. I remember when….” When we do that, we are shifting the focus to ourselves and being present with the other people has vanished.

Being present keeps the spotlight on them, conveys that you actually care, and offers a rare and special gift to the one speaking.

Show Up as Yourself

When we show up as ourselves, we share honestly, vulnerably, and courageously (even if we are scared to death) about our own struggles. We don’t try to hide our doubts and questions. We don’t project a polished image or any other sort of image. We are just who we are, and unwilling to be known as another.

Sometimes there are parts of myself that are messy. I may not really know how I feel about a certain topic. Recently I was at coffee with someone who asked my opinion on a certain political issue. I don’t enjoy talking politics because the truth is that on some issues where people have super strong opinions, I actually have many mixed or unclear opinions. And those are followed by some pretty strong mixed emotions, too.

But here I was being asked a question I knew was important to them. And I knew how they felt about the issue. I had a choice of how to show up, and I didn’t show up the way I knew they wanted. Which was decided. I felt they would like me to be decided the same way they were decided, specifically.

Instead, I shared what I wrestle with, and how that feels, and how I hate how that paints me as undecided. But I let them see the real me, including all that wasn’t tied up neatly with a big pretty bow. And you know what? They appreciated my honesty and even felt comfortable to discuss some of the questions they had around other issues that I never would have guessed.

Our authenticity gives permission (however unnecessary) for others to just be themselves. Be real. It connects much more than trying to be something we are not. And if done in the right way, can even connect our hearts more deeply than pretending to have it all figured out.

Be you. Be respectfully you. And allow others the respect to be who they are. More times than not that will create a surprising connection.

Create Safety

You might be surprised how many people don’t feel safe. Or maybe not, because chances are you don’t feel safe in certain situations either. We live in a world where we half expect someone to go off on us about anything. Even the most trivial things. I actually had a stranger at the grocery store correct me rather sternly recently about the evils of caffeine (as I was choosing what coffee to get off the shelf). A stranger! And then they went into a tirade about where and how it was processed. OK. Fine opinion to have. But I don’t know you, and I do know my coffee, so…

These crazy encounters, as well as some harsher ones, can cause us to live in a fairly constant fight or flight mode. We learn to either run away from the hard questions (or coffee questions) or face them with our fists up.

Living like that is really bad on our nervous system, and ultimately our overall health. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can relearn how to be respectful humans.

When we respond to someone with care, curiosity, and concern (rather than judgment) we surprise them. They may even be suspicious because of being so used to being on guard. We often feel a need to defend or justify our thoughts, opinions, actions, and even ourselves. But what if we were slow to speak, slow to get angry, and quick to listen instead?

When we take a risk on surprising someone with safety, the end response is usually deeper connection. People generally try to fix or minimize what’s perceived as “wrong”, or pivot to their own story. When we stay with them in their moment of vulnerability, not trying to fix anything, but just listen, care, and ask questions to better understand, a trust connection starts to form and relationships deepen. We create safety.

HOW to enter these conversations is another question

How do we connect with others in an authentic way when the truth is, most people live each day trying not to get into another conflict or confrontation? Many people avoid all eye contact so as not to have to get into a conversation!

So how can we initiate safe connections? Especially with those where there is already tension?

3 Ways to Connect Authentically When Relationships Feel Tense

1. Gather your courage and state the obvious with kindness. “I notice there’s some distance between us lately” or “That comment last time we talked landed hard. Can we talk about it?” No accusations. No glossing over tensions or pretending everything is fine. Just acknowledgement of the truth with kindness.
2. Ask questions that invite depth vs. autopilot responses. For example, instead of asking “How are you?” (which almost everyone answers with either “good”, “fine”, or “busy”) ask something like “What’s bringing you joy right now?” or “What’s been weighing on you lately?”
3. Meet people where they are. If someone is celebrating we don’t want to bring them down, and if they are grieving we don’t want to discount that, either. Celebrate with those who celebrate and weep with those who grieve. (That is straight out of Romans 12:15.) When people feel they can be real with you in what they are experiencing and not fear you trying to change them, they will appreciate the understanding you offer, feel safe to be themselves, and give themselves permission to drop their guard and connect.

The ability to connect with others in authentic ways is the start of relational intelligence.

I hope these tips have helped.

Looking forward to sharing in the next post how to understand others even when we disagree.

Take a risk. One brave step forward.

Enjoy the journey!
Brenda

Brenda is a believer in impossible possibilities. In brokenness becoming beautiful. In justice and mercy and honor and power – with love perfecting them all. She is a wife, mom, mimi, daughter, and friend who also enjoys speaking, writing, and coaching.