How To Understand Others Even When You Disagree

This is the second of a blog series on understanding relational intelligence.

In part one we discussed what it looks like to connect in an authentic way and how to do that. Today we are talking about…

Understanding others even when we disagree.

I have some pretty strong convictions.
Some unwavering opinions on right and wrong.
I bet you do, too.
We all do.

The problem is that we don’t all have the same convictions of right and wrong.
And even when we do, we have specific hurts from specific past experiences, or even what we are living through right now, that punch our pain buttons in ways unique to us.

We don’t always understand why others react the way they do.
They don’t understand why we do either.
What makes perfect sense to one person may not make any sense to another.
But learning to understand, even when we don’t agree, is a relationship builder.

So how do we begin to understand what we don’t?
How do we understand what we disagree with?

A group exercise I did recently had various 8×10 size pictures with anything from a person’s face to the universe on them. One picture was placed face down in front of each person, and as they closed their eyes and put a funnel up to one eye, someone would turn the picture over. Opening only the eye in the funnel while keeping the other closed, the person would tell us what they saw.

Because the view was so limited, every answer had absolutely nothing to do with what the picture was as a whole. And absolutely nothing to do with what another person saw through their funnel!

We had lots of good laughs, but the point was to remember we only see what we see.
And it’s limited.
Others see what they see, and that is also limited.
Our vantage points differ from the hole in our funnels.
Using that analogy… how we see things is referenced through our different experiences!

When we remember that only God sees the big picture, and each of us have our own perspectives on a limited part of that picture, it makes understanding when we don’t see things the same much easier.

So how do we do that?

4 Ways to Understand Others When You Disagree

I want to give you 4 ways to understand what we don’t.

Slow down your reactions.

This is truly the first step. So many times, we jump in and start talking without thinking about how our words are going to land. We forge ahead with why we disagree, why we remember correctly, why our knowledge of the situation is correct… instead of taking a few seconds to pause, step back, and take a deep breath.

Those are actually 3 things you can do to slow your reactions:

1. Pause (count to 10 slowly)
2. Step back (physically do that, just one intentional slow step backwards)
3. Take a deep diaphragmatic breath (or belly breath) from that one-step-back position.

This can slow down our reaction and put the brakes on our accelerated charge.
It can cause a reset before we charge ahead with what seems right to only us… and potentially damage the trust in our relationships.

Those few seconds allow us the opportunity to remember… we only have a limited view of what’s going on. It gives us time to reframe our strong opinion in a way that incorporates the possibility that the other person’s perspective is legitimate. Also.

Get curious about others.

Once we accept that our perspective is not the only right perspective, we can start to get curious.

Ask questions!

Try to understand the other person’s vantage point.

Ask questions like:
“Why does this mean so much to you?”
“Have you had something like this happen before?”
“What was the outcome?”

You get the point. Ask questions to help you understand where they are in their perspective, how they got there, and why that is important.

To use the group exercise I mentioned earlier as an example, if two people are looking at the same picture through their separate funnels and one sees a black line while another sees a white circle, they are obviously looking at different points on the picture.

We look at life’s points through the lens of our own experience funnels all the time, right? So, instead of arguing, when we ask questions and come to realize that what they see and what we see are both parts of a perspective neither of us see fully, then we can move forward with an appreciation that the other person cared enough to ask questions, listen, and understand. Because that happens so rarely, it builds trust when it does.

Get curious. Ask questions. Listen to understand. This not only helps you, but everyone involved. Instead of damaged relationships, relationships can deepen.

Role play with a partner.

I do this in workshops, and it has quite an impact when people really own the role they are given. This can be practiced on your own as well as with friends, colleagues, family, etc… Find someone who either truly has a different opinion from you on a topic you hold important, or someone who is willing to take an opposite opinion than you for the sake of practice.

Years ago, I was doing mediation training in a ministry setting where most of the people there were men from a certain denomination that did not believe women had any place in ministry or the workplace. I was unaware of the situation I walked into, until I wasn’t. It became obvious quickly.

The instructor had us role play an arbitration case, and my role was the arbitrator. The two men involved in my group didn’t like that one bit. (I think that’s why the instructor chose the roles for us that he did.) The two of them had roles where they were in the midst of an intense, personal conflict.

Because the level of instruction he gave was so in depth, and we were not allowed to come out of our roles for any reason, it allowed us to immerse ourselves completely in the roles we were given. Much like a good actor does when performing.

The compassion, curiosity, and confidence with which I led the arbitration brought one of the men to tears because he was so into his role. At the end of the exercise, each group had to report to the group at large how it went. This man asked if he could be the spokesperson for our group. To my absolute shock, he addressed the men in the room and told them how wrong he had been to judge me just because I was a woman. He shared from his heart in front of everyone and asked my forgiveness for his judgment and belittling attitude toward me. He looked around the room and said, “If I were ever in need of an arbitrator, this is who I would hire,” and he pointed to me.

It was quite incredible, an absolute 180-degree turn, and I will never forget it.
Roleplaying, when done right with a complete immersion into the role, can give a learning experience just as real as the real thing.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Conflict can actually create more trust in a relationship than there was before the conflict.

Fear is the main thing that keeps people from doing conflict well. Either we avoid conflict, fearing all kinds of things from not knowing what to say, not knowing what the other person will say, feeling stupid, etc… or we jump in wanting to “win” because we fear losing.
Neither are effective.

Remembering that every person in the conflict has some level of discomfort, even if for different reasons, can help us settle into the conflict and do two things we already discussed above.

We can 1) slow down our reactions…
and 2) get curious about the other person.

When we do this a few times, we begin to see the positive effects.
Therefore, choosing to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable will become easier.

Relationships are complicated.

When we try to genuinely understand others and where they are coming from, instead of expecting them to first understand us, we build trust. We also express our care for them and the value we place on our relationship with them.

That, my friends, is a giant leap in the direction of stronger, more fulfilling and trustworthy relationships.

Here’s to growing in Relational IQ!

Enjoy the journey!
Brenda

Brenda is a believer in impossible possibilities. In brokenness becoming beautiful. In justice and mercy and honor and power – with love perfecting them all. She is a wife, mom, mimi, daughter, and friend who also enjoys speaking, writing, and coaching.