The Unhealthy Fight to be Right

Does anybody else out there long to have a conversation that isn’t based on winning?
A conversation that listens to someone simply to understand a different perspective?
A conversation that is genuinely curious about why a person holds the opinions they do?
A conversation not driven by negativity toward some other person or group of people?
How about a conversation that would actually stretch us to love bigger?

ANYBODY???

How the Fight to Be Right Damages Relationships

Accusations often mirror each other with each “side” claiming the other is guilty of the very same thing, only from a different belief system or worldview. Have you noticed that? Things such as (and please forgive my use of political statements, but there is such a plethora out there, they are an easy go-to) …

Stop the violence from the right!
Stop the violence from the left!
Extreme right sentiments are dividing our country.
Extreme left sentiments are dividing our country.
Republicans don’t respect the Constitution.
Democrats don’t respect the Constitution.

Now, this isn’t about politics. Those are just some really easy-to-find examples we are all hearing. This is more about an expression of blown up, exaggerated, even dangerous sibling rivalry.

Johny did it!
Nuh uh! Suzy did it!

You know what I am talking about. And it has crept into every area of society where even friend groups, families, and faith communities are being divided due to different perspectives.

What are we doing, my friends???

Narcissism and the Fight to Be Right

Narcissism is a word we hear a lot about these days. Perhaps it’s overused. Some think so. But I see us collectively becoming a more narcissistic society, and I see this as an issue affecting not our ability, but out desire, to even try to understand different views.
We are able. It does not appear we are willing.

For those who may not be familiar with the term, narcissism is an unreasonably high and excessive admiration for one’s self and preoccupation with one’s own needs and desires, very often at the expense of others.

The truth is we all have narcissistic tendencies to some degree, they are just becoming more and more accepted and encouraged, leading to an increased impact of “you are wrong” and “I am right”.

This is quite dangerous as the problem grows and infects our moral fabric with an aversion to agreeing to disagree. With a requirement that, in order to view you as a decent human being, you must believe as I do.

I recently read about “peacock narcissism” and “skunk narcissism.” Both forms are noticed when a narcissist realizes someone is not in agreement with them. Peacock narcissism reacts by strutting around, showing off how great they are (or how right they are) and accusing the other person of being the real problem.

Skunk narcissism is when, rather than blame shifting or belittling others, the narcissist exaggerates the criticism they received and plays the martyr until the other person feels as if they have done something wrong by speaking out, takes back what they said, and works hard to convince the narcissist they are truly quite wonderful. (Something the narcissist was just waiting to hear anyway.)

It is frightening to think of the hidden places where this is thriving.

Both reactions are based on winning, looking good, being right, and being in control. They just go about it in different ways.

Creating Safe Spaces for Hard Conversations

At the same time narcissism is growing in acceptance, there is also a frustration growing with the inability to speak about our personal thoughts without attack. From every direction.

I regularly talk to people who experience their workplaces slowly becoming places of surveillance (not from one side or another, but from whatever agenda that particular workplace embraces), friend groups disintegrating into people who vote “this” way vs. people who vote “that” way, and even homes dividing over forbidden topics because of the pronounced level of disagreements.

Friends, we have so many competing voices talking at us! Multiple times a day.
I can’t help but wonder whether loving voices talking to us might make a real difference.
Might curb the narcissism in ourselves and others.

Better yet, what if we were those loving voices?
What if we showed concern and compassion instead of anger and fear?
Because anger and fear are only making things worse.

We need a safe alternative where people can express their concerns, without attack, as they try to navigate this crazy culture.

How to Stop the Unhealthy Fight to Be Right

I don’t have the answer, but I am open to suggestions.

And I think as many people as are willing to provide a safe space to listen and love despite differences could change things. I mean seriously…

Have we forgotten that:

it is only grace that changes any of us?
kindness is what opens the door to change?
legislation never healed a human heart issue?

I am not saying the societal problems we have aren’t real.
I am simply saying people aren’t problems to be fixed.
They are creations to be loved. And LOVE is what “fixes” us all!
Despite differences.

As a matter of fact, love may be the very catalyst needed for change.

Why Choosing Love Over Being Right Changes Everything

I recently read about Mike Foster’s Primal Question® theory and took his free assessment. His theory could be one way to start practicing love more intentionally. His premise is that everyone has a primal question we need answered with a yes, even if our need for that is subconscious. He says we all ask either:

Am I safe?
Am I secure?
Am I loved?
Am I wanted?
Am I good enough?
Am I successful?
Do I have purpose?

And while we probably ask all those questions at different times in our lives, he suggests one is a primary, fundamental question that stems from that question not being answered with a “yes” as a child.

So, what if we met those needs in others? As much as we possibly can, I wonder what would change in our spheres of influence if we were intentional to try to affirm those areas in those around us instead of putting a strangle hold on others to meet ours?

I would love any suggestions you have. Seriously. Please send them in.
It’s going to take action to turn this thing around.

My greatest desire is to see us collectively drop our need to win and exchange it for the desire to love. And be loved. Because everything we do comes from either love or fear. Neuroscience proves that. Even with the questions above, we either have a warm, loving feeling from having our question answered with a yes, or we fear having our question answered with a no or maybe. And fear makes us do crazy things. Selfish things that masquerade as protection.

Let’s choose love.
Even when it’s uncomfortable.
Detach from the outcome and love anyway.
If nothing else, for an experiment.
Anger and fear are certainly not working.

I am with you… and for you… and loving you on this life’s journey!
Brenda

Brenda is a believer in impossible possibilities. In brokenness becoming beautiful. In justice and mercy and honor and power – with love perfecting them all. She is a wife, mom, mimi, daughter, and friend who also enjoys speaking, writing, and coaching.